Cobra Commander Vs The Budget Cuts
by Red Witch
Summary: Once again Cobra Commander tries to fix the budget of everyone's least favorite terrorist organization. And once again his own subordinates ruin his plans.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has been dismissed due to budget cuts. This is just madness from my tiny mind. Cheap madness at low discount prices. **

**Cobra Commander Vs. The Budget Cuts**

"All right you all know the drill," Cobra Commander groaned as he sat at a large table with several papers and folders on it. "We have to go over the budget meeting and make some needed cuts."

"**Again**?" Mindbender groaned. "Cobra Commander our budget has been cut more times than a Beverly Hills plastic surgery addict!"

"Our budget has been stretched more times than Joan Rivers' face," Tomax agreed.

"Taffy does not get pulled as much as our budget," Xamot added.

"There are more cuts to our budget than a failing TV network's midseason schedule," The Baroness added.

"A barber doesn't cut hair as much as our budget gets cut!" Monkeywrench spoke up.

"Paper doesn't get cut as much as our budget!" Zarana added.

"Oh I got one," Torch spoke up. "Our budget is stretched tighter than the elastic waistbands of the members at a Weight Watchers meeting!"

"Speaking of which, where were you? You missed our last meeting," Ripper gave him a look.

"No I didn't. We meet on Tuesdays," Torch said.

"Yesterday was Tuesday!" Buzzer snapped.

"Oh, well then I did miss it," Torch shrugged. "Sorry blokes. I was playing my new 3DS game with the twins here and I guess I lost track of time."

"Wait, the **Dreadnoks** got to **Weight Watchers**?" The Baroness asked.

"**Torch** has a 3DS?" Mindbender asked.

"Well it's not really Weight Watchers," Zartan explained. "I just noticed that the Dreadnoks were getting kind of flabby so we hacked into the system to learn all the point values and meet up once a week to keep track of how many donuts they scarf down."

"We got Torch a black one for his birthday," Buzzer explained.

"I don't believe it," The Baroness blinked.

"Neither do I," Mindbender said. "Torch do you have Mario Kart 7? I love that game and I'm usually not a big fan of driving games!"

"I don't do Weight Watchers myself but I do find their point system very helpful when I go out to eat," The Baroness said.

"It is good. Mario Kart 7 is awesome man! I love flying off those cliffs!" Torch said.

"Okay before we go off on two different insane tangents I'd like to circle the wagons back around to the budget if you don't mind!" Cobra Commander snapped. "As we all know…All too well. Cobra is in a bit of a cash flow crisis."

"We're broke and living under a substandard fried chicken restaurant that doesn't use chicken meat in its nuggets," Destro gave him a look. "Saying Cobra has a bit of a cash flow crisis is like saying the Titanic had a small leak."

"Okay we're broke! We're **busted!** And we need to find a way to make more cuts to the budget!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Commander how many more cuts can we make? More than half our troops have already been replaced by synthoids to cut down on the paychecks," The Baroness asked. "We have lost most of our bases and we have to get spare parts from the junkyard and Wal-Mart! I think we are already being rather frugal as it is!"

"I've got my assistants clipping coupons more times than assisting me with my experiments!" Mindbender protested.

"Even us Dreadnoks are cutting corners," Buzzer called out.

"Yeah we have to buy used games and everything," Ripper added.

"Ironically since we are eating fewer donuts our Donut Fund has been able to keep up for the first time in decades," Road Pig spoke in his Donald persona. "Yet we haven't been able to buy a new comic book in months."

"And y-you d-don't want to-to know about our underwear shortage," Road Pig added.

"I'd rather **not,**" Destro winced. "All right Commander. Where else can Cobra save money?"

"Mostly little things," Cobra Commander said. "Although we may have to take some drastic measures."

"You're not cancelling our TV are you?" Torch asked in a worried tone.

"Torch we use our remaining operational satellite to steal cable," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Nothing a year? Yeah we can afford **that!"**

"Oh good," Torch let out a breath of relief.

"And we are also not touching the alcohol fund," Cobra Commander told his command staff. "For obvious reasons."

"Well as long as those two are safe, I don't care what we cut," Monkeywrench waved.

"Good. How about we cut your jobs?" Destro folded his arms.

"Whatchu talkin' about Destro?" Torch gave him a look.

"Look if we are going to make some serious sacrifices I suggest we cut some of the **dead** **weight** around here!" Destro pointed to the Dreadnoks. "Zartan and his brain dead Dreadnoks are the biggest drain on our resources! It's time they go!"

"Now just a damn minute Destro!" Zartan slammed his fist on the table. "We Dreadnoks pull our weight around here!"

"Since when?" The Baroness scoffed. "You spend most of the time sitting around, drinking grape soda, beer, stuffing your faces with our food and playing video games!"

"That's not true! We do other stuff too!" Torch protested. "Like uh…uh…What do we do guys?"

"Torch let me do the talking please?" Zartan groaned. He then glared at Destro. "You do realize that my Dreadnoks work hard at intelligence gathering."

"It must be hard because they haven't gathered any intelligence at all in those tiny sponges in their heads that pass for brains!" The Baroness smirked.

"We have too! We get lots of important information!" Ripper spoke up. "We're the ones who told you all about Mindy Mohan's trial and all the details of Candi Carpathian's wedding and divorce!"

"That little no talking rule also applies to **you,** Ripper!" Zartan winced. "And the rest of you Dreadnoks!"

"Enough! Look as much as I'd love to throw these cretins into an ocean full of sharks we are not getting rid of the Dreadnoks," Cobra Commander. "For two reasons: One the Dreadnoks have been with Cobra for a very long time and they know all our secrets. They are part of this organization and quite frankly we need all the help they can get."

"And what is the **other **reason?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"We're the ones who supply the Commander with all the booze!" Torch said smugly.

"Yeah if it wasn't for us making those secret beer runs you lot would spend most of your evenings sober!" Monkeywrench said proudly.

"And where do you think that wine cellar in the south block came from?" Zarana added. "The bleeding Booze Fairy?"

The Baroness looked at Destro. "You have to admit they do make a rather convincing argument."

"Fine! Now that **that's** settled let's get on with it!" Cobra Commander groaned. He looked at some papers. "Okay first up on the list…All paid vacations are currently suspended."

"We get vacations with **pay?**" Mindbender perked up. "Since when?"

"Well never, but I thought I might as well suspend them anyway," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"So this first item of business was merely a smokescreen to cover the fact that you have no idea what you are doing?" Destro gave Cobra Commander a look.

"No! No, it's not! I know what I'm doing!" Cobra Commander bristled.

"That'll be a first," Torch quipped.

"At least I know my **real name** and what **year** it is which is more than I can say for you Torch!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Now shut up and let me continue…Also we're cutting out our dental plan."

"We haven't had a dental plan…" Tomax remarked.

"Since 1996," Xamot finished.

"We _haven't_?" Cobra Commander blinked. "That can't be right. Mindbender has been doing my teeth for years and he says we're on some kind of dental payment plan that stipulates that the co pay is fifty five dollars a visit!"

"You've been having your teeth cleaned by **Mindbender?**" The Baroness gasped.

"And the man thinks I'm **stupid,**" Torch grumbled.

"Would you like to explain this Mindbender?" Destro folded his arms.

"Uh this is the first I am hearing about this," Mindbender fidgeted. "I thought that I was part of this plan too. Nobody told me this did not exist! This is outrageous!"

"Oh crap! For crying out loud!" Cobra Commander realized what was going on. "Are you telling me I was the only **one **here fooled by Mindbender?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it," Buzzer said.

"The fact that you had **Mindbender** clean your teeth should have been the **first clue** that we didn't have a dental plan!" Zarana snapped.

"I wouldn't let Mindbender clean a **dog's mouth** much less my own!" Destro agreed.

"Mindbender…" Cobra Commander growled.

"Hey, first of all considering all the problems you have had with your teeth and fillings over the past ten years, fifty five dollars a visit is very cheap!" Mindbender snapped. "And I needed some way to pay for my lattes! They don't just brew themselves you know?"

"So that bourbon flavored toothpaste you give isn't part of the plan either?" Cobra Commander asked.

Everyone looked at Mindbender. "The man squirms a lot! I had to find some way to keep him still!" Mindbender protested.

"I dunno," Zartan smirked. "I think you might be onto something there Mindbender!"

"Okay let's go over this **later,**" Cobra Commander groaned. "And by going over it later I mean me going over to the target practice range with Mindbender and having him standing in front of the targets! Moving on…We are running low on targets for target practice."

"Aren't our targets now just paper cut outs?" The Baroness asked.

"That's another thing we do!" Torch remembered. "We Dreadnoks cut out the targets! I especially like cutting out the duckies! I'm good at that!"

"Those are **ducks?"** Tomax blinked.

"I always thought they were some kind of deformed rabbit," Xamot added.

"Nevertheless we are running low on paper," Cobra Commander pressed on. "Since my paper supplier from Dunder Mifflin moved to Colorado and left this other idiot in charge that keeps losing our orders there's a shortage."

"Can't you just go to the company and put in your order manually or something?" Torch asked.

"They don't know we're terrorists Torch!" Cobra Commander grunted. "I think if any of us goes there in our uniforms it might tip them off! And the authorities!"

"Not to mention for some reason there are camera crews all over that office," Tomax groaned.

"They are either making some kind of documentary or a weird reality show," Xamot nodded.

"Hey that's what we should do!" Monkeywrench spoke up. "Make our own TV program about our lives!"

"Monkeywrench we are trying to stay under the radar as well as under budget!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Didn't Zartan tell you lot to shut up?"

"Look I know people," Destro sighed. "Maybe we could have some of our lesser known subordinates go on a Staples run? I have a friend who has a friend that has a card so…"

"Fine Destro you will be in charge of getting our paper," Cobra Commander waved.

"Oh goody. **Another** thing I am in charge of," Destro quipped.

"And uh while you are at it could you steal a copy machine or two?" Cobra Commander asked. "We really could use a few more since the one that we have is busted and there's not enough money in the budget…"

"Of course," Destro sighed. "**Anything else** you want done, Commander? You want me to get your dry cleaning for you while I'm at it?"

"Don't be facetious Destro," Cobra Commander looked at him. "You know I haven't been able to afford professional dry cleaning in years. Fortunately they have those kits in the store that work just as well. Oh I need more of those dry cleaning sheets!"

"Dry cleaning sheets?" Zartan asked.

"Yeah you just take a sheet, throw that and your clothes in the dryer for about ten minutes and poof! Suit's all done," Cobra Commander said.

"Well what about stains?" Zarana asked.

"They have a stain cleaning kit too that comes with it," Mindbender said. "It's actually pretty good. Saves me a ton of money when I clean my capes."

"Really? The wonders they come up with these days," Zartan said. "Destro put me down for a couple of those dry cleaning sheets too."

"Oh and me," Zarana added.

"I could also use some as well," Mindbender added.

"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE? A LAUNDROMAT ATTENDANT?" Destro yelled.

"Wow, **somebody's** extra cranky today," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Why do **I **have to get the dry cleaning sheets? I'm already the paper boy and the copy machine repairman!" Destro snapped. "Why can't **someone else** do it? Baroness?"

"What do you mean **I **should get the dry cleaning sheets?" The Baroness snapped. "I'm not going to do the groceries like some housewife!"

"Well somebody has to get the dry cleaning sheets!" Destro snapped.

"Well it's **not** going to be **me!**" The Baroness told him.

"And she thinks **we're **lazy," Monkeywrench said to the other Dreadnoks.

"Yeah what exactly do **you **do around here Baroness?" Zartan asked. "Besides Destro of course."

"Not even that lately," Destro grumbled.

"That explains the grouchiness," Cobra Commander remarked.

"That's not it!" Destro snapped.

"Oh is that that **other thing?"** Torch spoke up.

"Shut up!" Destro snapped.

"It is, isn't it?" Torch asked.

"I told you to shut up! Why are you not shutting up?" Destro snapped.

"You're right Torch it is the other thing," Zartan remarked.

"You shut up **too, **Zartan!" Destro snapped.

"What other thing?" The Baroness asked.

"Trust me, you really don't want to know," Zarana waved. "Let's get back to your job. Or more appropriately, what you **don't **do around here!"

"And since you don't even do Destro why don't we get rid of **your job**?" Zartan sneered.

"I thought that **was** her job around here," Ripper turned to the Dreadnoks. "You know, to do Destro?"

"No, apparently it was just a perk," Road Pig corrected in his Donald voice. "For Destro anyway."

"Not **that** much of a perk," Destro grumbled. "But the Dreadnoks do have a point Baroness. You could help out more around here."

"Help out **more?** Who do you think has been helping you with your paperwork lately? And making sure the base is running properly? **And **working on the payroll! Not to mention running around undercover trying to find out information for whatever stupid scheme the Commander comes up with!" The Baroness snapped.

"You know if I wasn't so depressed with myself I'd actually take offense at that remark," Cobra Commander glared at her.

"The Baroness is neither a housewife nor a secretary running around doing stupid little errands!" The Baroness snapped. "I will not demean myself by doing it!"

"Well I'm not going to do it!" Destro snapped.

"Fine if it will shut the two of you up **I** will go get the dry cleaning sheets!" Mindbender snapped. "I need to go to the store anyway to get some vinegar, whipped cream and mangoes!"

"Vinegar, whipped cream and mangoes?" Zartan asked. "What are you using those for?"

"I use the vinegar to clean my lab," Mindbender said. "It is very cheap and effective."

"And the whipped cream and mangoes?" Zartan asked. Mindbender began. "On second thought **don't **tell me! I don't want to know! And not knowing will help me sleep at night."

"Oi Mindbender when you go out can you pick up some diet grape soda for us?" Buzzer asked.

"And some Twinkies so we can stock up on them before the company goes out of business?" Torch asked.

"I like Twinkies. I'll do that," Mindbender sighed.

"And pick up some aspirin while you're at it because I'm getting a headache listening to you morons!" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Fine I will make a list!" Mindbender took out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing. "Aspirin, Twinkies, mangoes, vinegar, dry cleaning sheets, whipped cream…"

"Better make it a case of whipped cream," Monkeywrench called out.

"Nice to see that Weight Watchers is changing your eating habits," Destro said sarcastically.

"Oh could you get us some Special K bran cereal?" Xamot asked.

"And some wheat crisps?" Tomax added.

"I could use some of that makeup remover for my face," Zarana added.

"You could use a vacuum on your face and it still wouldn't be enough to remove all that makeup," The Baroness sneered.

"This from a woman who buys anti-wrinkle cream by the **pound?**" Zarana snapped. "Which obviously doesn't work!"

"Better get some **bandages**, Mindbender!" The Baroness bristled. "Zarana is going to need them very soon!"

"Anytime _girlfriend!_ Bring it on!" Zarana snapped. "You're talking to a woman who has to wrestle the Dreadnoks into submission nearly every day in order to get them to brush their teeth! If I can take **both** of Road Pig's personalities down I can take someone with **no personality** down any day of the week!"

Zarana thought a minute. "That reminds me we need more toothpaste too."

"Toothpaste, got it," Mindbender wrote on the paper.

"Oh for crying out loud," Destro sighed. "Well I might as well get in on this insanity. Put me down for some Earl Grey and herbal teas."

"Uh actually Destro, we're cutting tea out," Cobra Commander spoke up. "It's a little pricey and…"

"Are you joking?" Destro snapped. "You mean to tell me you have enough to buy all that other crap you want but not enough for tea?"

"You got it Destro," Zartan smirked. "No tea for you!"

"I need my tea Commander!" Destro snapped. "I need to have something civilized to remind me that I am not a rat even though I live in a sewer!"

"Still haven't gone Number Two yet huh?" Torch asked.

"SHUT UP!" Destro snapped.

"You know about that?" The Baroness asked.

"With him grunting and complaining for hours at a time in the men's room it's pretty hard for none of us blokes to **not** know that!" Monkeywrench added.

"Oh is **that** the other thing you were talking about?" The Baroness asked.

"Pretty much yeah," Zartan said. "He's been constipated for days!"

"Well if he doesn't have any tea little wonder," The Baroness said.

"So he takes tea to relieve constipation?" Cobra Commander asked. "Why not coffee? Can't he just use coffee?"

"No, for him it's tea," The Baroness shrugged.

"In that case I'd better put laxatives on the list," Mindbender wrote.

"If you are done discussing the regularity of my bowel movements can we move along with the meeting?" Destro snapped.

"Yes well ironically the next item up for budget cuts has to do with toilet paper," Cobra Commander sighed as he looked at the list. "I know Destro hasn't been using it much lately but the rest of us might have a problem."

"You just couldn't **resist **that shot could you?" Destro glared at Cobra Commander.

"I take what I can get," Cobra Commander shrugged. "But seriously we need to lower our overhead on this."

"You're not going to suggest that we bring in our own toilet paper and paper towels again are you?" Destro asked.

"No, because we all know what happened the **last time** we tried that," Cobra Commander grumbled.

"Ah yes. The Great Toilet Paper Bonfire of 2009," Mindbender sighed. "We lost a lot of good men that day."

"Ironically not all of them to the fire," Buzzer nodded.

"Therefore I am implementing two alternate strategies of obtaining these products," Cobra Commander said. "Plan A: everyone pay at least twenty five dollars a month or more for a toilet paper slash paper towel fund."

"What's Plan B?" Destro asked.

"Everyone steal at least five rolls of toilet paper and paper towels every two weeks and throw 'em in the supply closet," Cobra Commander said.

"We'll take B," Torch spoke up.

"Yeah B is the way to go," Monkeywrench agreed.

"I could always slip a few rolls of toilet paper into my large shopping bag each time I do my shopping at Lordstrom's," The Baroness shrugged.

"Ooh! Those are nice," Torch whistled. "Very classy. Two ply."

"We can always go across town to our competitors…" Tomax began.

"And steal their supplies from the restrooms," Xamot added.

"This will not only help our bottom line," Tomax began.

"But seriously damage our competitors," Xamot added.

"Plan B," The Crimson Twins said as one.

"Are you joking? Is **this** what Cobra has been reduced to?" Destro shouted. "Once the very name of Cobra sent fear down the spines of law enforcement agents all over the world! We conquered nations! Enslaved millions! Stole the great art treasures of the world! Military secrets were at our fingertips! We stole the Eiffel Tower for crying out loud! And now we are so pathetic that we have to steal **toilet paper **in order to survive?"

"Pathetic is a rather harsh word," Mindbender shuffled his feet. "I'd like to think of it as a cost cutting measure during a difficult economic time."

"That's not bad," Cobra Commander admitted. "I could live with that."

"Commander!" Destro snapped.

"Well what do you want from me Destro?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Some competent leadership would be a nice change of pace," Destro growled.

"I'm going to chalk up that slightly treasonous remark to the fact that you haven't had a decent bowel movement the past couple of days," Cobra Commander snarled. "You think **this** is a picnic for **me?** You think I **enjoy** the fact that Cobra has become a laughingstock?"

"He's right," Torch nodded. "We have had a few good laughs since moving in here."

"**Not helping** Torch," Zartan gave him a look.

"It's not like I haven't made any sacrifices you know?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Ever since the beginning of Cobra's down spiral, I have lost a lot too!"

"Yeah your dignity, your power, your sobriety…" Torch counted on his fingers.

"Why doesn't this man ever **shut up?"** Cobra Commander screeched.

"Any authority you might have had," Torch went on. "All your cash, your secret bases and most of your weapons of mass destruction…"

"Seriously! The man has been told repeatedly to shut up and yet he still **talks!"** Cobra Commander hissed. "Why is he still _talking?"_

"Most of your self-respect," Torch went on. "Quite frankly **any **respect any of us ever had for you went down the drain years ago."

"He still **talks**? Why do you still speak?" Cobra Commander screeched. "Seriously why? It's not like anyone wants to hear **anything **you have to say!"

"And let's not forget your credit rating is in the toilet," Torch went on. "Especially after those weekends in Vegas."

"I ask for silence and yet the man keeps uttering noise like a babbling baboon!" Cobra Commander snarled. He pulled out his gun. "SILENCE MONKEY!"

"That's Torch, Commander," Monkeywrench spoke up. "I'm Monkeywrench."

"AAHHHH!" Cobra Commander fired his weapon but nothing happened. "Oh crap! I forgot I'm out of bullets!"

"What about your laser blaster?" Destro asked.

"It's recharging!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Destro lend me your laser blaster!"

"As much as I'd love to loan you the use of my weapon for such a noble cause I am afraid I cannot," Destro sighed. "At least until mine is finished recharging."

"His memory! His memory is going!" Monkeywrench spoke up.

"Oh yeah thanks Wrench old pal," Torch nodded brightly. "Now that I think about it Commander you've pretty much lost everything."

"Including my will to live," Cobra Commander moaned. "Will **somebody** please give me a gun so I can put these morons out of my misery? And into a large wooden box six feet underground!"

"He's even lost a bit of his figure," Buzzer added. "You've been putting on the pounds a bit Commander."

"You want to join our Weight Watchers group?" Torch asked.

"TAKE ME NOW GREAT SERPENT!" Cobra Commander raised his arms to the sky. "I'M **READY!** TAKE ME NOW! DELIVER ME FROM THIS MADNESS AND TAKE ME **NOW!"**

"There, there Commander," Destro sighed. Since he was sitting next to Cobra Commander he patted him on the back. "It's all right."

"No, it's not all right," Cobra Commander sobbed as he put his head on the table. "It's never going to be all right again!"

"It's not all bad Commander," Mindbender said cheerfully. "Remember there's a light at the end of the tunnel!"

CLICK!

Suddenly the entire room was immersed in darkness. "Apparently that light has been turned off due to budget cuts," Destro sighed.

"All right! Who's the idiot who didn't pay our electric bill?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"We have **electric bills**?" Torch asked. "I thought we just stole electricity like we steal almost everything else around here?"

"For once the baboon has said something **intelligent**," Destro said. "We have an underground generator that supplies all our power."

"The fuse must have blown or something," The Baroness said.

"**Brilliant deduction** Baroness!" Zartan sneered. "Did you figure that out all by yourself?"

"Zartan just because I can't see you doesn't mean I won't knock your teeth out!" The Baroness snapped.

"Figures! The one day I leave my lab without my portable flashlight," Mindbender groaned. "We've got to find the fuse box. I think it's in this room somewhere. Or maybe it might be in the room next door?"

"Oh **that's** helpful," Destro groaned.

"Just spread out and look for it!" Cobra Commander hissed as he got up. "I knew I should have gone with the night vision upgrade for my mask! But noooo! I had to get that margarita blender for my office."

"So much for _sacrifices_," The Baroness sneered as they all got up and felt around in the dark room.

"Just look for the damn thing!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And there might be an emergency flashlight around here somewhere!"

"This is like a game of Blind Man's Bluff," Ripper remarked. "Only not as fun."

"Ow! W-Watch it!" Road Pig snapped.

"You watch where **you** are going!" Donald snapped back.

"I c-can't! It's dark!" Road Pig spoke back.

"I know there's a wall around here somewhere," Mindbender remarked.

"All right! Whoever has their hand on my ass take it off before I cut it off!" Zarana shouted.

"Ooops. Sorry Sister, I thought you were a chair," Zandar spoke.

"Zandar when did you get here?" Zartan asked.

"I'VE BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME!" Zandar yelled. "I haven't said anything because you maniacs have been monopolizing the entire conversation."

"This is **ridiculous,**" Cobra Commander hissed as he fumbled around in the dark. "Of all the stupid…unprofessional…"

"OW! Watch it!" The Baroness snapped.

"Oh sorry Baroness," Mindbender apologized. "I thought you were the wall switch."

"THE POWER IS OFF! THE WALL SWITCH WOULDN'T WORK TO BEGIN WITH!" The Baroness snapped. "And whose hand is on my ass?"

"Sorry Darling," Destro said. "Thought you were a chair."

"Yeah right!" The Baroness snarled.

SMACK!

"OW! What did you hit **me** for?" Buzzer whined. "I didn't do nothin'!"

"Sorry. I thought you were either Destro or Mindbender," The Baroness apologized.

"I can understand **that,**" Buzzer said.

THUD!

"Well I found the wall…" Monkeywrench moaned. "Owie…"

"Okay. Whose hand is on **my ass?"** Torch spoke up.

"Oh…Sorry Torch," Cobra Commander winced. "I thought you were either Zarana or the Baroness."

"Hang on, I didn't say I wanted you to **stop,**" Torch said. "You got nice hands Commander."

"I just want to **die…**" Cobra Commander moaned.

"Hold on," Xamot realized something. "Torch…"

"Do you have your 3DS on you?" Tomax spoke up.

"Yeah why?" Torch asked.

"Turn it on," The Twins said as one.

"Huh? Oh right!" Torch realized and got the device out.

"Oh goody, Torch is saving the day with his game thingy," Cobra Commander drawled. "Where is our friend Mr. Cyanide Pill when you need him?"

"Probably in the dark like the rest of us," Ripper said innocently.

"Monkeywrench where is the wall?" Cobra Commander asked. "I want to hit my head against it repeatedly!"

"It's got a pretty good light," Zarana remarked as Torch turned on his game.

"Yes it does," Tomax remarked as he and Xamot got their game systems on.

"Now we can shed some light on the subject," Xamot agreed.

"Here it is!" Destro pointed to the wall. Xamot showed him where the circuits were. He worked with it. "Nothing. It's not the switch. It looks all right to me."

"Maybe it's the generator?" Zarana asked. "Are we out of fuel or something?"

"Typical Dreadnok ignorance," Mindbender snorted. "Our Cobra made generator that powers this building does not use fuel to create electricity!"

"So how do you get the generator to run?" Destro asked.

"A genetically engineered bio electric monster on a treadmill," Mindbender said. "How else?"

"RARRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Oh crap! I **knew **I forgot to do something this morning!" Mindbender slapped his head as a monstrous roar echoed down the corridor.

"You didn't feed him did you?" Cobra Commander groaned.

"I'm afraid not," Mindbender admitted.

"Oh I am afraid," Cobra Commander moaned. "Very, very afraid…"

"RARRRRRRR!" Something was heard going through the hallways.

"Don't tell me that damn thing is loose!" Cobra Commander screeched.

"Okay…I won't tell you," Mindbender gulped.

"RARRRRRR! ZZZAPPPP!"

"And you are also **not** going to tell me that the thing is coming this way are you?" Cobra Commander moaned.

"Don't think I need to," Mindbender remarked. "The roars of the creature as well as the screams of its victims can be heard pretty well."

"Didn't have to, you're right," Cobra Commander moaned.

"So uh…Do we panic now or later?" Torch gulped.

"We are not going to panic," Destro snarled.

"Destro your laser is recharging as well as almost everyone else's here," The Baroness reminded him. "We're practically defenseless."

"No we ain't! I got a flamethrower!" Torch protested. "Ripper's got a chainsaw! And the rest of the other Dreadnoks got guns!"

"Yes by all means, go use **metal weapons** against a creature of pure energy!" Mindbender snapped. "Go ahead. Let me know how that works out!"

"Oh please! I got a flamethrower and as any Pokémon player knows, fire works well against electric types!" Torch held up his weapon.

"Fine Torch, I choose **you** to go handle this!" Cobra Commander pointed to the door.

"Right! Hold my game thing will ya Road Pig?" Torch handed his game to Road Pig and turned on his flame thrower. "Time to put this critter on the Barbie!"

"We're with ya Torch!" Ripper revved up his chainsaw and followed him.

"I got some grenades!" Monkeywrench called out as he and Buzzer followed their friends.

"Uh I believe we should stay here and watch Torch's 3DS, Road Pig," Donald spoke nervously. "I mean we are charged with its safety and it is a valuable piece of machinery."

"R-right. D-Donald," Road Pig gulped. "We b-better b-be r-responsible for his st-stuff."

"It's not like we're shirking our duty, not at all," Donald said. "But in addition to being a temporary caretaker of Torch's possession someone should stay here and guard Zartan and his siblings."

"Yeah! S-somebody's g-gotta be the bod-bodyguard here!" Road Pig agreed.

"Well what do you know?" The Baroness remarked. "It looks like there is one Dreadnok with more than one brain cell!"

"Yeah one for each personality," Cobra Commander groaned. "Destro go out there and help the Dreadnoks."

"Why should I go?" Destro snapped. "Zartan should go with his Dreadnoks!"

"Me? Mindbender made that monster! **He **should go!" Zartan protested.

"Hey I'm just the mad scientist here!" Mindbender protested. "Send the Crimson Guard out! They're the ones who are supposed to be in charge of security around here!"

"Are you…?" Xamot bristled.

"Out of your mind?" Tomax snapped.

"That goes without saying," Zartan said.

"Destro is second in command," Xamot snapped.

"Mindbender made the monster," Tomax added.

"And Zartan commands the Dreadnoks," Xamot went on.

"**We **shall stay here…" Tomax added.

"And protect Cobra Commander," The Twins said as one.

"Protecting your own backsides more like it!" Mindbender snapped.

"Look who's talking!" Destro snapped. "This is **your** mess Mindbender! You clean it up!"

"I don't clean! I'm management!" Mindbender snapped.

"Since **when**?" The Crimson Twins snapped.

"Hold on! You two have laser pistols! I see them in their holsters!" Zartan pointed. "Even in this bad light! You have weapons! Go use them!"

"I don't think laser weapons would work against a creature of pure energy," Xamot scoffed.

"It's worth a try!" Mindbender said.

"ALL OF YOU GO OUT THERE AND CONTAIN THAT CREATURE!" Cobra Commander snarled.

"How are we going to do that without any decent weapons?" Zartan asked as the roars of the creature grew closer.

"Mindbender you made this thing. Don't you have any counter measures to contain it?" Destro snapped. "Or at the very least know its weakness?"

"Yes, it's water. It short's out its bio electric system," Mindbender nodded.

"Isn't there a sprinkler system in the hallway?" Destro asked.

"We think so…" Tomax winced.

"Come on, men," Destro waved. "And I use that word liberally, let's go!"

"This will not end well…" Zartan winced as they went to fight the monster.

"Hold our games," Tomax gave the Twins' game systems to Zarana and the Baroness.

"This is all **your fault,** Mind-bungler!" Xamot hissed as they left the room.

"Why does everybody always blame the mad scientist when his creation runs amok?" Mindbender moaned as he left the room.

"All right, the rest of you protect me while I hide under the table!" Cobra Commander ordered as he dove under the table. "OW! I hit my head!"

"The **greatness **of your leadership knows no bounds, Cobra Commander," The Baroness said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

"Stop being such a bitch Baroness and do your duty!" Cobra Commander ordered. "All who serve Cobra are expected to show no fear at any sign of danger!"

"Says the bloke hiding under the table," Zarana mocked.

"Hey! I'm the leader of this organization and the most important one here!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"That is debatable," The Baroness remarked.

"Watch it Baroness," Cobra Commander warned.

"Come on out from under that table and make me," The Baroness told him.

"Nice try. But I am not moving!" Cobra Commander huffed. "I will not fall for your deliberate childish taunts."

"Again, **you're** the one hiding under the table like a bloody **three year old**!" Zarana barked.

"Here it comes!" Buzzer could be heard outside.

"Let's have a barbecue!" Torch could be heard laughing.

"RARRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"Mindbender, you neglected to inform us of the **size **of this creature!" Destro yelled.

"Good thing I'm under the table," Cobra Commander gulped. "It must be huge!"

Actually…

"I don't believe this," Destro moaned as they saw what the creature looked like due to the light it was giving off.

"Strangely enough…I do," Zartan sighed.

The monster snarled at them with a huge roar. However given the fact that it was the only thing huge about it, the men did not panic. It was less than three feet tall with glowing bright yellow fur and looked like a very small dog with a jagged electric bolt for a tail. Electricity sparked from its fur and tail.

"**This** is your monster?" Xamot glared at Mindbender.

"The _menacing beast_ that has been terrorizing the hallways?" Tomax snapped.

"It's still a monster," Mindbender shrugged. "And it does shoot out electricity."

"You twit! You got us all worked up over a bloody little Pikachu!" Buzzer snapped.

"Actually it looks like the offspring of a Pikachu and the Taco Bell dog," Zartan blinked.

"Oh yeah. It does," Torch nodded. "So you want me to roast this yappy little thing or…?"

"RARRR!" The electric monster leapt with a roar. It used its teeth and electric bolts to attack the Cobras.

"YEOW! I do not remember giving my monster such sharp teeth!" Mindbender yelled. "GET IT OFF ME!"

ZZZAAAPPP!

"LOOK OUT!" Destro yelled.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Ripper shouted.

"BURN DOGGIE! BURN!" Torch yelled.

"TORCH YOU MORON YOU NEARLY BURNED ME!" Zartan yelled. "YEOW!"

"RARRR!"

"YEOW! THAT HURTS!" Buzzer yelled. "WOAHWHOAHWOAH!"

"I told you using metal weapons against an electric monster was a bad idea!" Mindbender yelled. "YEOWW! And apparently creating any kind of electric type monster is a bad idea in itself!"

"Get it away from us! Get it away from us!" The Crimson Twins screamed. "OWWW!"

"RUN AWAY! RUN FAR AWAY!" Monkeywrench screamed in terror.

"YEOOWWWW!" Destro yelled.

"And apparently wearing a metal helmet is an even **worse idea** against an electric type monster," Mindbender yelped.

"GET THIS THING OFF MY POSTERIOR!" Destro yelled. "IT'S VERY PAINFUL! YEOW!"

"Torch! Use your flame thrower on the sprinkler system now!" Zartan ordered.

"Will do Zartan!" Torch shouted. "HERE WE GO"!"

"WAIT! NO!" Destro yelled as the sprinkler system went off. "NOT WHILE THE CREATURE IS STILL ON MY…"

**KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

The whole building seemed to rock for a moment. "That can't be good for the foundation," Donald winced.

"OW! I hit my head again!" Cobra Commander grumbled as he crawled out from under the table. "That's dangerous under there!"

"Yeah you're a regular daredevil," Zarana quipped.

"Good God what is that smell?" Zandar winced.

"Zandar? Why are you here and not out **there?**" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Because you didn't **order **me to go out there," Zandar said matter of factly. "Being forgotten a lot does have its upside."

"Oh right I forgot you were here," Cobra Commander got up. "Ugh. You are right about the smell! What **is **that?"

"Commander that is what you get when you combine fire, electricity…" Xamot staggered in covered in soot and looking like he got shocked.

"Water, exploding dog meat…" Tomax added looking almost exactly the same as his brother. "Fried skin…"

"And other bodily fluids…" The Crimson Twins said as one. Everyone else started to return to the room in a similar state.

"Well the good news is that I don't need to drink tea anymore," Destro moaned as he staggered in covered in soot and meat. "The bad news is we are going to need more laundry supplies than the dry cleaning sheets."

"Forget the dry cleaning sheets," Buzzer staggered in. "We're gonna need a professional dry cleaner!"

"Make that a Laundromat," Ripper moaned.

"And a cleaning crew," Monkeywrench groaned. "And new underwear! Lots and lots of new underwear."

"Some scented candles wouldn't hurt," Torch moaned.

"And a new source of power," Mindbender groaned.

"Repairs to the sprinkler system…" Tomax moaned.

"And the water system," Xamot added.

"There are quite a few holes in the walls and floor that need to be looked at," Zartan added.

"Yeah and I kind of burned a few dozen things up in the hallway," Torch coughed. "We didn't really need those smoke detectors did we?"

"I see…Road Pig could you shine your light over here please? I need to see the budget for a second," Cobra Commander groaned.

"S-Sure boss," Road Pig stuttered as he did so.

"That's good," Cobra Commander picked up the budget. "Just need to do one little last revision to the budget."

With that said, he tore the papers into pieces. "Okay, so much for the budget," Cobra Commander threw the papers to the ground. "Let's all go get plastered."

"I second the motion," Zartan groaned.

"Yeah we wrecked the regular budget," Torch shrugged. "Might as well make a dent out of the alcohol budget too."

"Fine. Just let me change my underwear first," Destro sighed.


End file.
